Around the late March full moon I started reading that we are re-entering the period of the masculine. I could already feel it. Suddenly I want to give everyone marketing and business advice, I’m planning project management spreadsheets in my head, and generally just moving forward with a more focused, clear energy. During all these years of learning Feminine Power, I finally realized that it was first a process of detoxifying my feminine AND masculine energies and capacities. And during this last deep healing, it became clear to me that there is no part of myself that I can reject or disown, only heal and rebalance.
This afternoon, I became aware that in all this yummy masculine power I’m feeling, I was already slipping into imbalance. If I look at my past responses to setbacks and failures, I exhibit a pattern of becoming very critical and harsh with myself when I have alot of important work to complete. I’m guessing that somewhere in my life, someone broke through my floopy brain and instilled some logic and process in me (thank you for that) by making me sit down, focus, and demand that I perform. And maybe they weren’t very nice about it.
I’m at a place where my life is getting much busier, and inshallah, it’s going to get busier. I can see that I already started to slip into this bad habit of thinking that my toxic masculine knows better about getting shit done.
In the past, I would always do my best work in cafes. I can’t easily goof off or find something else to do. This week that was true the first two days I worked outside; that intense focus really got me flowing with my storytelling. By Wednesday I wasn’t writing much. I felt this crankiness. My back was starting to really hurt. One day I was so stuck I had to get up and dance a little in the bathroom. It was short and there was an old man outside rattling the door – not ideal.
The point of the story isn’t rattling doors or hurting backs, it’s the fact that it took me 4 days to realize that I don’t like working in cafes anymore. But for some reason I woke up on Monday feeling like I better get myself to a cafe “if I’m going to finish” the major amounts of work that are starting to pile up. It’s a suppression of what actually makes me feel good and creates my best work.
Somehow I forgot that I had just co-created a massive amount of work that was alot like giving birth. It’s a mixture of head, heart, and soul and I worked really, really hard, and created something I’m really proud of in just under 3 weeks. And I did it right here in my home. Where I can sing out loud when I’m really feeling it, do yoga or get up and dance when my energy feels stuck.
That’s what got me to where I am right now, not hunching over a table, pounding out words because my toxic masculine doesn’t trust me to get the work done.
Today I’m showing my toxic masculine its new work environment. We are dancing alot. And writing. And smiling. I think he’ll be fine.
At the heart of every imbalanced or toxic behavior is almost always a wound so painful that it feels easier to pile a bunch of toxic behavior on top of it than actually face and transcend the trauma. But it’s not easier. It’s just a habit.
If you believe masculine energy is rising, I hope you also believe its an opportunity to heal masculinity and our men. I sometimes think that if I am so lost in who and what I am supposed to be – I can only imagine how hard it is to be a man in a man’s world.
Let this be a time of balancing and loving one another in strength and tenderness.