It’s been an amazing few months of highs and lows. Of course, when one is seeking growth, the world has a way of providing opportunities to experience what you desire. Both good and bad.
Here’s the good: I started feeling a new project welling up inside me around in November when I experienced 3 amazing projects and a new piece by an artist I had been liking and following for a while. I started having daydreams about these works and people interacting somehow because they have so much in common, despite many differences that also exist. By March, I was for sure seeing that I should facilitate (and try to fund) a coming together of these people – and a great opportunity appeared to bring the project into the YBCA Fellowship program – and it’s perfect for this type of engagement because the project is about pulling people together around shared values and ways of being. It’s all really exciting – and I’m in it and the work is coming together well – I should be done early and I think I have a great shot at getting accepted – I’ve tried to make it irresistible – with the potential to create some amazing art!
So, surprise…suddenly I’m feeling so insecure about MYSELF. It’s been really messing with me this week – just feeling physically insecure. I recently started dry brushing my body daily when I realized that my skin under my clothes looked so dry and sad. With the cold weather, it’s a luxurious experience to spend time caring for my body. It can also be a tool to release trapped emotions. Today I had a major release about how after I stopped hating my body – I just started ignoring it…seeing it as a thing of pain and embarrassment. Now that I am trying to be visible again, I’m feeling really insecure.
- Whenever I think about “love” – this idea of putting myself out there, even in this art way of saying I’m looking for people to join me – suddenly made me feel so vulnerable and scared and I started looking at myself and feeling really awful – ugly, old unworthy. People want to be part of something beautiful. I realize I start scrutinizing myself through eyes of the world – that has never let me forget my ugliness. Of course, I realize that there are people who look at me and see beauty – I have to be one of those people – and not by concealing and slimming and hiding that sees my own beauty despite fat and wrinkles and acne scars – I’m not a product to be bought and sold
- I’ve already been trying to thank my body when I bath and dry brush and moisturize-and starting this practice was an act of self-care. I’ve never ever spent this kind of time and attention taking care of my body and I’m feeling all the years I’ve neglected it. I don’t look at the fat on my body as signs of neglect – I just know that I’ve never looked at my stomach and said thank you – or anything kind ever at all – I’ve directed so much hate at my body – I’ve wished I could have a different one because I feel like the people I love deserve so much than this one. I’m never stopped feeling like an embarrassment – something to hide. I’ve always known that for most people in the world, what they see is not good enough – and I’ve always struggled to find the balance between carrying my own beliefs about myself and seeing/living with how my physical self isn’t acceptable in this world. But how cruel I have been to this body that is carrying and dealing with me. Because no one else wants it meant I rejected it – and continue to reject it. The body that carried Omar – that holds so many people – deserves more from me – I have to be the person I can turn to and say kind words and offer the love and support need because I feel the pain in my body-I can no longer pretend it’s only my thoughts that need “fixing”. Sometimes – we only have ourselves and that has to be okay. Today I made a commitment to myself to continue to heal my body – to care for it and love it – feed it well, look at it with love, and touch it even when no one else does, keep it pristine and healthy – my body – not some imaginary body I’m longing for and so people will find me more acceptable. I’ve always said that becoming a mother was what brought me into my body for the first time. I see that I jumped right back out of it as soon as I could. It’s only when I’m outside and I feel the wind and the sun and during orgasm that I feel my body, fully as a human being – a physical being, a spiritual being, a being of love and light, as deep as an ocean. I’m building bridges between these experiences to create that experience on the regular.
The work is already underway – it started with rugs and dance and calligraphy. Embodiment. Physical touch, the connection of the physical, emotional, and intellectual, and finally, the bringing together of the mind, heart, and body with energy work – the white light that flows in the in-between places and connects the pieces, even when they are still physically separate.
If a lack of self-love keeps me from showing up and participating in our becoming – healing my relationship with my body is valuable work.