In 2013, I discovered a new system of doing, being, thinking and feeling. A system of Feminine Power that changed my life, and taught me how to breakthrough my inner glass ceiling-a set of beliefs and life patterns that were the root cause of my feelings of depression and hopelessness. Part 1 is my personal story of how trying to control life was no longer working for me and the breakthrough that changed my life. In Part 2, I will share the most powerful tool I discovered in my studies of Feminine Power with Claire Zammit and Katherine Woodward Thomas, a process to find and live from your true power, and how it can help you make a major shift in your own life.
Sometimes You Set A Goal When What You Really Need Is A Breakthrough….
Many times in my life, I have set out to achieve goals to manifest the things I most desire. Sometimes I would achieve these goals and feel a real sense of pride. I can look back over my life so far and say that I achieved many of them. I supported myself quite well with a nice corporate job I worked from age 23 to 33. For many of those years, I spent evenings and weekends voraciously pursuing my passion for Contemporary Art at an exciting non-profit art gallery in San Francisco. I traveled extensively, I enjoyed many exciting intellectual pursuits, made friends, and lived a pretty awesome life. It was the life I dreamed of as a teenager, and I created it for myself….secure, creative, wandering, filled with friends and fun.
At the same time, there were other goals I set for myself where I fell flat, making almost no real progress and staying in the “dream” phase, OR I would get so far and then unravel. The unraveling was almost always the same, I would stop making progress…perhaps things would begin to not go so well, or I would become disenchanted with someone or something, all things that would leave me feeling unsettled and inevitably, insecure. The end result was always the same, the inability to achieve the goal I had set for myself. This process was disappointing and demoralizing. Sometimes I would take down entire personal and/or professional relationships in the unraveling process due to a habit of taking the victim role within events. Deep inside I felt underactualized, as if I was wading through thick blackstrap molasses.
By 2012, my entire life was unraveling. I was a woman and mother in the world of mass shootings, weapons of mass destruction, and the 24/7 “If it bleeds it leads” news cycles. Gone was the single, youthful optimist, the woman coming into adulthood in the New Romantic 80’s and techno 90’s. I had become an anxious, married mother who had cycled through many personal and professional unravelings during the years of adjusting to my new life as a wife and mother. My triumphs seemed like things of the past and it was more and more difficult to bounce back when things went south. What was most upsetting was that I kept making the same mistakes; I was caught in a repeating story. For all the personal development I was attempting in my life, there were certain patterns and reactions that I couldn’t seem to escape. I felt a deep sadness and that I was missing or losing something important, something I couldn’t quite wrap my head around. I was feeling frustrated, angry, anxious, and alienated. Through it all, I kept setting goals, starting projects, and launching plans thinking that all I really needed to put an end to my suffered was to accomplish something.
Like many people who go through dark times, it wasn’t the totality of my existence. I had happy moments, I had some triumphs, what was unsettling was my inability to escape the underlying gnawing of unhappiness.
Finally, I reached a point where I started to have suicidal thoughts. I struggled with dark thoughts for 3 or 4 months. I couldn’t escape the feeling that I couldn’t go on like this any longer. I knew on a profound level that I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to leave my family and friends and all the things I love about my life, but at that the same time I kept thinking ….
I just I can’t go like this anymore….
All I can say is one day I was sobbing in the shower, feeling tortured by these relentlessly cruel thoughts that seemed to take over my mind and refuse to stop, when suddenly I understood what it all meant…I didn’t want to end my life, I just wanted to end life lived through these incessantly negative and painful thoughts. When the thought “I can’t go on like this anymore!!” ran through my mind, it was true, I couldn’t go on living the way I had in the past, I needed to find a totally new path that was different than anything I had done before. I didn’t want to feel like a loser at life and I didn’t want to see myself as a victim any longer.
It was the calling of my soul to make radical change in my life. I had stopped listening to the callings of my soul for so long that I had forgotten what it sounds like.
Now I see that I didn’t need anymore goals. All my doing, and planning and strategizing wasn’t getting me anywhere I wanted to be. Goals weren’t going to “fix” me, my sadness, or my shame. Goals would not heal the gnawing feelings of not being fulfilled and not living to my potential. I had a profound breakthrough, I couldn’t go on as I had in the past, and now I needed to find new ways of being, relating, thinking and doing. I needed to facilitate my own deep healing.
That realization created a major, almost immediate shift in my sense of well-being. It was as if a weight had been lifted from my chest and I could move freely again. At first, it was back to business as usual, and I was pretty thankful to just feel energized by life again. I didn’t yet know how to shift out of being who I had always been and how I had always done things. But, as it often happens, when I made a shift in energy and intention, a path appeared before me, all I had to do was follow it. In less than 6 months, I had discovered a new system of power that felt right to me and would enable me to create the life that just months before seemed out of my reach. I was also taking part in an online learning community that made me understand that what I was experiencing was something many woman around the world are also experiencing. I was not alone. Millions of women (and men) are finding that they need new ways of creating to manifest an enlightened life, and we were taught the tools to do so.
In my next post, I will tell you about the most powerful tool I learned during my re-education. Finding and Living Your True Power has helped me shift my life in unprecedented ways. I use this tool on a regular basis when I feel my mindset or feelings are limiting my ability to take on challenges or opportunities in my life.
Read Part 2 of this post, Finding and Living Your True Power here.
All photos by Christine.